Different cultures, different wedding-related customs

I don't have much happening on the wedding planning front right now, and I feel like it's still so far ahead it seems like it will never happen. We've now been engaged six months, and the wedding is whaaa? Still 22 months away? Remind me why we chose to plan it this way again? I'm kidding, there are a lot of good reasons, but there's only so much you can do this far in advance, and sometimes I get little antsy... Patience is warranted. I know.

So in the meantime I thought I'd post about things that people do differently around here, besides generally marrying less, which I've already talked about... Observing, thinking, comparing and analyzing the way things work in different cultures is always one of my favorite pastimes, one I just more or less consciously apply it to every thing I'm currently involved/interested in...

Changing your name: Believe it or not, there is a law here that prevents you from taking your husband's name when you marry. Growing up, I've always seen my mother and even my grandmother using their own names, so for me this was the completely normal thing to do. At first when I became more aware of these things and saw women in the media who had taken their husbands' names, I just thought it was a very interesting coincidence that people who had the same name had married! So in my case this of course has never been a question. I like my name and it's really part of my identity. I understand the logic of everyone having the same name in a family, and it does sometimes feel just a tiny bit weird to have a different name than my son, but then, you know, in the end it's just a name and it doesn't make me his mother any less. This is how it has worked here for several generations, and everything is going fine, I can assure you that the society is not about to implode... For me, the bottom line is (when you do have a choice), this is a completely personal decision and women should really do what makes sense to them.

Parents paying for the wedding: Again, this is not something that is done over here, and it's definitely not expected... It doesn't mean that parents don't help when they can, but the tradition of parents financially planning this years in advance is pretty much unheard of. I have been to two weddings where it was the case, but they both had very specific contexts (the first one was a couple of friends who were not from Quebec, and as for the other one, my friends' in-laws footed the bill, but then they are immensely well-off and the whole thing was taking place on their lakefront compound). In our case, of course there are other reasons for this (we're in our mid-thirties and not exactly starting out in life, we have a child already, etc.), but even though we wouldn't refuse assistance should our parents eventually offer it, we certainly wouldn't ask for it and have not planned it in our budget.

Registries: In my whole life, I have only been to one wedding where there was a registry (you've guessed it, for the out-of-town friends I've mentioned above). I love the idea of a registry, but it's just not something that you do over here, it would simply seem a little strange to our guests. Since newlyweds pay for the wedding themselves, the general, implied understanding is that what they need is money. I know this would be grossly impolite in some places, but here it's just what people do! I've never read any etiquette book about this or anything, but I once heard that unless you're very close (then you would presumably give a little more according to your means), your present is supposed to cover the expenses incurred by the newlyweds to have you there.

Having guests pay for their own meal: Gasp, how can this be possible, how awful right? Well, I don't know, some people do this here (we won't), and although it's not the norm, it's still not perceived as a major social faux-pas. It depends on the formality of the wedding, I guess. I've been to a few weddings where it was the case, and you know, I just wrote a check, I wasn't offended, as long as it was clearly stated on the invitation. Of course in this case it is generally implied that you are not expected to give a present. Don't forget here that presents are usually a check that's supposed to offset some of the wedding costs anyway, so in this case it's really not such a big stretch.

Engagement parties, bridal showers: People around here are just not big on either. I once tried to buy an engagement card for my sister and it was really hard to find one, at least in French. When we got engaged there was no celebration, we did not receive any cards, gifts, or anything other than (a few) heartfelt congratulations. Showers do happen, but they rarely include gifts. Bachelor and (pretty wild) bachelorette parties are the norm, though (any excuse for a raucous party, I guess). I really don't expect to have one though. First I hate this (I repeat, I hate this), and second, come on, my crowd of thirty-something mommies ain't as wild as it used to be...