On {possibly} raising a girl

So our baby, is possibly, although not definitely, a girl. And I love girls. I'm fairly girly, and, the clothes! and, you know. Just look at this picture, which The Alternative Wife posted on Mother's Day. It says it all. And makes me melt.


But I must also say that ever since it became a possibility, I've been consumed by all kinds of weird thoughts (you know I'm a little weird at this point, right?) I'm having some trouble articulating. So I'll do the best I can. Raising a girl is different. (Duh.) And it poses all kinds of challenges that are just simply not there with boys. And it also involves some aspects that make me a little uncomfortable.

Why? Well, there's the body image issue, for once. All of a sudden I'd become an ever-so-important example for a little girl who needs to learn healthy eating habits, and also that whatever her body type is, she's fine and she needs to love herself. I'm relatively OK when it comes to this, but not perfect. I don't always love myself. I have my moments of letting myself go with food and then regretting it and trying to compensate, my moments of self-loathing, and my moments of self-deprecating humor towards my imperfect body. But I just know how important a mother's self-image and attitude towards this is, and how it will probably determine a great part of the daugther's one throughout her life. How doing this right could help her feel more secure towards the not-so-great period that is puberty, towards the unrealistic images you find in the media, towards the social pressures girls are still facing, towards the cruel teasing from others, etc.

Somewhat related, there's also the... nomenclature. Which was brilliantly addressed by Cate recently, in a post called The Missing Word. It was about how girls were defined by what they didn't have -a penis, and how often they were simply brought out to develop a bit of a shameful sense of their own parts, something that doesn't really occur with boys. Boys see their penis, they use it every day for peeing, they usually feel quite comfortable with it. Girls, on the other hand, only use their vagina or vulva to do dirty things. See, even the words are clinical and ugly.

And then, there's my main concern. Let's call it "the princess and the pink". I like pink (I'm wearing some today). I'm not anti-pink at all. But am I the only one thinking it's a bit too much for little girls these days? Why should they be dressed in all pink, all the time? I guess people will reply to that: "Well so that everyone can know it's a girl!" And all I want to say is: "Why does it matter?" I get that people can get confused and puzzled easily, and are more comfortable when things are clear. But then, I've heard all kinds of stories of babies dressed in pink, with pink barrettes in their hair, and strangers still asking: "Is that a boy?" So really, I can take these questions. They're well-meaning, and last a second, and then it's over. I have no idea, and at this point I'm not even sure I will ever find out, but I postulate that you can dress a baby like a girl without the one-color wardrobe. Last year when his daughter was born Ryan from Pacing the Panic Room published a great post called, in his usual style, Slap Fighting the Pink Posse. Most of what he said rang very true to me (and the 150+ comments provide great perspective).

OK, and here's the real controversial part: I'm deeply uncomfortable with the word "princess". I've recently been a horrible killjoy when it comes to this, but I have a hard time helping myself, because I feel words are powerful and they matter. But I also don't want to make it seem like I'm judging anyone, and don't want to hurt the feelings of people I care about. I certainly don't have all the answers, or even think I do for a second. Sometimes I really wish I didn't ask myself all these questions, but I do, and here is the place where I can explain them.

I don't like that the Disney princess culture is basically taking up all the mental space little girls have to dream these days. We had it too, to some extend, and I remember drawing princesses and castles as a child. Again, that's not my fundamental problem, and I'm not super-radical-anti-Disney, either (you could rightfully call me an hypocrite because LP has had a few Cars clothing items). But whenever I try finding anything else for little girls to be interested in, well, that's all there is. A plastic princess world, of plastic high heeled-shoes and plastic princess purses and polyester princess dresses little girls apparently want to wear all the time. Some princess pretend play is good. Pink, fluffy, rhinestone-tiara princess all the time, I'm not sure. Because then you won't want to occasionally play one, but you'll think that you are one. And the slope is slippery. Someone told me that he recently voted on this Facebook contest where people posted pictures of their kid's rooms. And among 40 or so girl bedrooms, 17 had the word "princess" written on the wall.

Why would you want to tell your girl that she is a princess? I don't get it. But it's very widespread, and the exact same thing I constantly stumbled on when reading wedding blogs: the message is it doesn't suffice for a (grown!) woman to be a beautiful and sophisticated bride -she has to be a princess. And except for a few members of the royalty in Europe (who, by the way, dress in civilian clothes 99% of the time), girls are NOT princesses. Nurturing their self-esteem is crucial, but I think this has gone a little too far. The princess culture does not promote being sane, and smart, and caring, and strong; its one-faceted world promotes being prissy, and high-maintenance, and dependent, and detached. Jane from Baby Squared, mother to twin girls, has a similar view on this: she simply avoids the too pink and princess-y and frou-frouey. But every time she says so on her blog, people just cackle and slam her: "You can run, but you can't hide. You can't fight the princesses. It's so funny that you even think you could". Well, they might be right, but along with Jane, I'll run for as long as I can. Hey, these might be the same people that say kids simply can't be good eaters, and I'll die trying to prove that they're wrong.

I'm also not sure if it's the princess culture, or just a generalized tendency towards an ultra-genderization, but I think something is making girls want to look like (sexed-up) women very early these days. Whether the play make-up and nail polish they receive before they even start school (yes I know this contradicts the picture above), or the one-inch heels and purse my 8 year-old neighbor was sporting the other day, or the borderline slutty clothes they sell for tweens, I don't know. The game just seems different now. And despite this surge of pseudo-femininity, not exactly prettier.

P.S. I hate not looking feminine enough, and never made excuses about putting style before comfort by the way (I'm wearing these right now, even while quite pregnant). I would love the occasional, innocent dress-up and make-up game with my eventual daughter. But mixing this with the day-to-day life of children, I think it's different and I would have a bit of a problem with.

P.P.S. Even as girly as my nature is, when I was 6 my mom cut my hair very short (I was whining too much when she washed it) and seemed to do her best to dress me like a boy. My aunt recently found a picture of me at this age that is the spitting image of LP -I mean, literally. I'm not sure why she did this, but that's not what I would aim for, either, no worries.