One of the blog friends I've made over the years is a beautiful, smart, cool girl named Kaki. She's from Ghana, grew up in Montreal, met her Scot husband in Japan, and now lives with him in Edinburgh.
When I announced my pregnancy in May, she told me that she was pregnant too, albeit a little further along than I was. Her comment that day was really, really precious to me. It's no secret that I was a little overwhelmed at the beginning of my pregnancy, overtaken by mixed feelings and emotions. I think this can most likely be explained by the fact that I decided to embark on this journey again more because I thought I should than because I felt it with all my heart and all my soul. She said that she too, was in a state of shock for months, but then she finally got around and embraced the blessing.
A few months passed and I suddenly realized that I had not heard from her in a while. I went over to her blog and was completely devastated to learn that just a few days after writing that such important comment, she had gone into premature labor at 23 weeks and given birth to a 1 pound baby girl, who was unable to breathe on her own and only survived for a few hours. They named her Isla Sakura, that last word being Japanese for cherry blossoms, which are so important in that culture, and were in bloom in Scotland during the baby's too short stay around here.
Kaki has shown so much strength and amazing resilience since then, going through all stages of grief. I've cried so much over her heartbreak, over how definite this event was, over how she explained that she couldn't hear people tell her that "she'll have other babies", as if this would ever erase the fact that her first one had died.
I'm now holding my own baby girl in my arms, and as it should, as I knew it would, I am deeply feeling it with all my heart and all my soul... Every day though, I take a few moments to be thankful and realize how lucky we are. I am embracing the blessing. And thinking about Kaki and Isla a little.
6 comment(s):
My heart just broke a little.
Poor Kaki.
Saying there will be other babies is cruel. There will NEVER be another little girl named Isla Sakura.
So sorry to hear of her heart-breaking loss.
So did mine, Agirl.
Thank you for your posting this Marie-Eve. Kaki's writing is lovely. I am so sorry for their loss. I cannot imagine what it must be to go through that.
x
I'm sure the were trying to be comforting, but that is NOT something you should say to someone who just lost a child. No other child could be THAT child. I hope she and her husband are doing alright. xoxo
Bonjour Marie-Ève. I'm having a good day (i.e. I'm not depressed) and I'm learning that I have to really embrace the good days to get through the bad ones. So since I am, I'm going to write this.
Firstly, let me just say that I'm so, so happy for you. Despite my grief, I am happy when miracles occur and giving birth to a healthy baby is truly a wonder many people take for granted (myself included once upon a time). So I’m delighted that Bébé F is here safe and sound. Secondly, thank you for thinking of me. One of my issues, and one that I'm working on, is trying to deal with the isolation of losing a baby. It's hard when people don't want to or can't talk about it (which apparently is magnified in British culture. Stiff upper lip and all that!) and it's actually more damaging than healing, I think. But it truly expands my heart when people let me that they are thinking of me, Dave and Isla. Thank you for thinking of us and letting us know. It's a wondrous thing, the ability and desire to reach out and I'm so fortunate that you can think of our loss when your hands and heart are so full.
Ok, I made it through without crying. That counts for something, right? :) xo
Also, thanks for the nice comments. It helps to feel the empathy rather than just assume it's there.
BTW, I'm a Montréalaise born and raised (first generation) ;)
Well, the not-crying part means you're better than me, because I am.
Thank you so much for your comment and sorry about the mix-up. :-/
Love xxx
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