The last two Sundays have started the same: all four of us in our bed, together, the kids warm and sleepy. Quietness, morning light slowly coming in through the drapes. Cuddles and muffled giggles. Nowhere to go, nothing much to do, no hurries, no worries, no house showing to prepare. For a few blissful minutes, just this, being in the moment, loving every second of it.
The past five months have been hard. They've been hard because we never expected that our house would take so long to sell, because we never expected that we would have such a hard time dealing with the stress of the potential buying-without-selling situation we put ourselves into, and also because we never expected that it being on the market would require so much work, attention, compromise, sacrifice. We just never expected that it would completely take over our lives.
This combined with my return to work full-time (which is simply harder than it was the first time with just one kid), especially when I would have wanted the situation to be different, means that overall we had a pretty rough fall. I felt completely lost and often became a terrible bitch. M and I often turned on each other when we should have stuck together even more. Our family dynamic became at times quite tense and difficult. Sometimes, when we came home with the kids at nearly 9 on a weeknight because we had a showing, and that we were still up at 11:15 (with a wake-up call at 5) because we had to prepare for another one the next day, we began losing hope. We began even doubting that the new house was worth it, that we had done the right thing.
(And it was also hard because I felt guilty and stupid and useless for feeling this way. Because I couldn't believe myself for taking it so hard, and for in a way, unwillingly, making everyone pay. I mean, if this was completely shaking our world, how would I, and we cope when the real hard stuff happens???)
Which makes the Sunday mornings even more precious now.
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Life. Waiting to be resumed, to be savored again. Full of simple joys, little disapointments, teaching, learning, laughing, crying, remembering, forgetting, cursing, being grateful.
Knock knock...
Who's there?
The next chapter.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Knock knock
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3 comment(s):
This is a beautiful post M-E. I still think you're being tough on yourself, what you went through was both a lot and a lot of hard stuff. But most importantly I'm glad you can see the way out and I'm hoping that the next chapter is full of joy and delights for you and your family. xoxox
Oh sugar, I'm so glad you guys are back on course. And I don't think we can ever predict the things we'll find really hard. Something that may seem like an absolute tragedy to lots of people you may find yourself sailing through with a strength and calm others totally envy. This might have been really easy for some but was hard on you. (Although, it sounds pretty damn objectively hard to me.) It's OK to just accept that, I think. We are who we are, and it is how it is, and thank goodness you're through it now. Long live wonderful Sundays.
Oh this post is beautiful.
Isn't it funny, the things we don't expect to knock us quite so much, that take strength we didn't realise they would. You all sound like you coped amazingly, because, yes, this stuff is the big life stuff really. Change.
I love the idea of the four of you waiting for the knock. Can't wait to hear what the next chapter holds for you all.
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